It is often that I have encounters and personal experiences with God. Often, He will speak to me and remind me of what is true, what is right and guide me back to the right path. Tonight, after dinner, and a prayer session that revealed much, I went for devotions that I had slacked off on. What God said was so direct that I have to write this down. I need to remember, everything I go through. It’s sad that I didn’t have a blog earlier or the things throughout my life that have been the most personal, most real and most concrete experiences of God would’ve also been recorded… It has seriously changed my life..As for the epiphany tonight…
I have been wrong, I have strayed all this time. Things that seemed so holy, so justified, so righteous. Working so hard for the name of God, working so hard “for His Kingdom”, working so hard because God wanted me to learn disciple and to train me to persevere and fight on strong. Working so hard secretly because of my own selfish desires… desires of using my talents and gifts to “do my calling”, being on that road to success, victory, …even desiring fame (albeit for “righteous” reasons that fame is a tool to be able to reach out to more people, to inspire, influence and impact lives, hearts and souls). But all of that, no matter how candy-coated or righteous it sounds, how great the big pictures and visions I was given sounds…. it all is meaningless. What have I been doing?
God said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33
“”Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21
“”No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” Matthew 24
“”Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.25 For whoever wants to save their lifet will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” Matthew 24-26
Yes in fact Matthew 6:21 and 26 was mentioned today in sermon. Dr. Danny had preached on the Harry Potter series. Actually JK Rowling herself has said how the series is based on biblical quotes as its core themes and these two quotes epitomize the series and are quoted almost literally on the grave stones in the Deathly Hallows. The Harry Potter series really does portray biblical themes and references, possibly going as far as Harry embracing imminent death to defeat death itself, and to save the lives of those around him, just like Jesus did.
Now that I’ve come to think of it, these two quotes are among the things God has been trying to say to me through all this time. Yet, I have been very weary, burnt out, stressed and occupied with the things I believe God wants me to do and accomplish, at all costs. But no, that isn’t what God is asking for.
“And they exceeded our expectations: They gave themselves first of all to the Lord, and then by the will of God also to us.” 2 Corinthians 5
“For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.” 2 Corinthians 12
God has been telling me, first put Him first. My discipline to myself and handling the responsibilities and duties i must is only secondary — what about discipline to God and spending time to further my spiritual journey with God?
Second, God has been saying what I offer up to Him, if I offer it up to Him, is enough for Him. I do not have to strive so hard to go over the top, hate myself for the things I cannot do, become jealous and envious of those who have more than me and wear myself up trying to give more and more. If i can offer what I’ve got already to God, that is enough for Him.
Third, after I put Him first, everything else will come into place, everything else will be given unto me. Success, victory, those big visions and the big picture. Yes, everything comes second and will fall into place if I have first trusted Him. Even G.E.M. herself, whom I so idolize now, has shown the Bible she carries everywhere and has said that she reads the Bible every night and does devos. Those who are successful, those who are followers of Christ, their success may have come from their eager hearts to follow God. To love God first, then to love what they do, music for example. They did not seek after the praises of man or the successes in the world.
Those verses above were things I searched up a little after. But after i went back to my room to read the Bible, the first passage I decided to read was a direct message from God to me. It was quite a knock on the head.
here it is:
“
Psalm 75
For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” A psalm of Asaph. A song.
1 We praise you, God,
we praise you, for your Name is near;
people tell of your wonderful deeds.
2 You say, “I choose the appointed time;
it is I who judge with equity.
3 When the earth and all its people quake,
it is I who hold its pillars firm.t
4 To the arrogant I say, ‘Boast no more,’
and to the wicked, ‘Do not lift up your horns.t
5 Do not lift your horns against heaven;
do not speak so defiantly.’”
6 No one from the east or the west
or from the desert can exalt themselves.
7 It is God who judges:
He brings one down, he exalts another.
8 In the hand of the Lord is a cup
full of foaming wine mixed with spices;
he pours it out, and all the wicked of the earth
drink it down to its very dregs.
9 As for me, I will declare this forever;
I will sing praise to the God of Jacob,
10 who says, “I will cut off the horns of all the wicked,
but the horns of the righteous will be lifted up.”
I have been questioning myself or just openly in general — thereby almost the same as questioning God — why some people were successful and others weren’t. Why some are so blessed with talents, why did someone else had such a lovely powerful voice even at a young age, why I couldn’t I have these skills and strengths? I boasted in my pure and righteous heart that is so passionate for my calling or for ministering for God. A heart of childlike faith, a heart of compassion for others that is driven to tears just from thinking about people in Japan for example. Yes I thought I was righteous, why was I not worthy of more gifts from God? Why was I stuck in this place, this situation, trapped? Why was I unable to reach my dreams… now? Oh I am so impatient indeed.
But I have done what this passage says… I have lifted horns against the heavens. I have boasted. Perhaps I may be insecure and have low confidence in my skill but thinking about it, I have been boasting of myself, of my heart, thinking I am worthy too, i am worthy of more powerful skills or talents, that I am worthy of that success I so crave for. I have also questioned why God exalted some and not me, I have questioned God’s timing, why I was not succesful now, why I was not exalted now or soon. Yes these are quite grave offences against God when I think about it. It may not be killing or stealing but all these things are painful for Christ, these things may be worse than someone who kills. Because my heart itself, is doing this consciously. My motives for everything have become tainted and corrupted by the tricks of the Devil.
the devil is known to play with our minds and hearts. He likes to sugar-coat things and make it seem like you’re doing it for God or make things seem so holy or righteous. I thought what i was doing was right. But it was a deceitful lie. God doesn’t want my hard work if I was doing it for selfish desires, if I was just doing it for the big vision to succeed, or even if I was doing it for His kingdom. God doesn’t want me to DO anything. He can easily just exalt another person and not need me to do anything. and right now, other people more righteous are exalted and not me. God just wants me to give Him my heart and my everything. Him first. God and me, to be close first. The other things are only extras. With or without them, I need to put God first.
It’s scary to think about this though. How easy it is to fall into this trap, this trap where we seem to be doing something righteous, doing something “for God”. How easy it is to try to hang on to these thoughts and pretend we are righteous.
So oh Lord, guard my heart and my spirit. For I am weak. For I am weary. Hold me to the things that are most important. And purify my mind, so that I may be holy and blameless. Purify my mind that I have no selfish motives.
If I can hold on to the mindset where success or not it doesn’t matter. Where it’s only about God. That is where I should be.
Everything else follows after.
Tears came when I got on my knees to repent tonight. After receiving that direct passage from God.. i was like, crap. I screwed up majorly. God is not pleased and He chose to use kind of harsher words. The words in that passage. After asking for forgiveness, I sat there and listend and tears just came because I asked God to speak to me and that I was listening. The first image he puts into my mind is the parable of the Lost Son. The father who had given his son the inheritances because the son demanded it and the son just fled, leaving the old man. He wasted all the money the father worked hard to earn, on prostitutes, on dining, on the things of this world. Wasted it all and found himself poor and living amongst pigs. Starving to death, he returned home to his elder brother and the father, in humiliation and despair. He asked to be just a servant of the household. but the father upon seeing him walking down the road towards home, ran to him and embraced him, welcoming him home with joy. Clothing him in clean clothes, throwing a feast with the entire family, servants and neighbours. A father of grace and mercy. A father of forgiveness. A father of love. A father who only wants us to be together with him. God first.
That’s all he wants from us. Not what I have to offer, not what I can do for the kingdom or what great visions I can accomplish for his name or not. Just wants us.
That is the kind of God we have.
I’m back, God.
Your servant is back.
March 28, 2011
Categories: Life Rant . . Author: takatsu . Comments: 1 Comment
hahahahha it has been a long time since i ever had so much fun on aprils fools day. I woke up this morning to a whole ton of facebook relatioship statuses changing, couples playing pranks about breaking up, people playing pranks about hooking up. EVeyrONE STARTED DOING IT, so it got repetitive. I found a few rare creative ones. I fell for one, someone said they were jumped last night. It was posted just after 12 LOL I thought it wasn’t April 1st yet. Anywho…
